A trauma bond is the connection between the abusive person in the relationship and their partner. After enough time with somebody that’s physically or emotionally abusive we can develop a sort of tolerance to it, but the tolerance is usually built off of sympathy. It’s a natural affection and affinity we hold for those we love. It literally creates a bond built around the trauma. Some people use terms related like Stockholm syndrome, which essentially means we’ve started to rationalize why the abuser is abusing us.
And all of this leads literally right back to that love bombing phase. Do you remember in the beginning where your narcissist ex talked about their rough past? How much they’ve been through? And thus, here u see this cyclical pattern that begins to form. And over time? Its rinse and repeat with more of the same. When you get in a relationship with a narcissist there’s this level of isolation that develops. That isolation separates you physically and emotionally from those closest to you, to the point where you hide the abuse from them. Think about that for a second, we begin self-isolating from the people that love us most because we DON’T want them to know what we are dealing with and tolerating.
Even more interesting about a trauma bond, is that we’re talking about specific requirements. Like, perceiving a real threat of danger from your abuser, where you experience horrible treatment, but then a narcissist turns right back around? And is nice to you and acts like nothing ever happened.
The hardest part is when you share kids, finances, and a home. That’s a lot of pressure and fear to put on yourself. To try and stay strong enough when you feel like you’re dying inside. So, healing after is more than a task. The great thing is these days we have so much information at our disposal. We have a ton of books, research, videos, and other free resources to use. But sometimes I think the problem that comes into play is that we’re always in such a rush. Everything we get now is literally in 24 hrs. We can order a whole ass living room set off amazon, and have it here in 24 hrs. So, a lot of times we have this skewed perspective of what healing should look and feel like. If you dealt with emotional trauma? You carry that with you, just like any other grief or trauma you’ve ever experienced.
A great start to your healing journey Is therapy, coaching, and finding support groups. You can find local and online communities that are rife with incredible materials to get you through. I also recommend reconnecting with friends and family to get support. Sometimes the people we push away during a narcissistic relationship are the very ones who always had our best interest at heart. But see telling your story immediately after being with a narcissist? Is terrifying. We don’t want people to know, we carry so much shame and blame ourselves.
Why didn’t I tell anybody? Why couldn’t I get out sooner? Why didn’t I trust my intuition? Not to add? We live in a society now that shames the victim and makes them feel dumb for what they experienced. Meanwhile, how would that person feel if it were there mother, father, son, daughter, close friend experienced the same? The other problem is your sharing your story with people who have never experienced the types of mind-fuckery you did. It’s literally a corn maze of working through emotions. And just like we grieve when we lose somebody that dies? The same happens with a relationship, and even more so with a narcissist, and not because we want them back either. It’s the leftover anger and resentment we have.
But here’s what you learn after enough time passes. The abuse, the emotional or physical trauma? It wasn’t your fault. but that healing? Letting go? Moving on? Forgiving yourself? Not continuously beating up on yourself? It becomes entirely YOUR responsibility. And on the other side of it? Theirs frustration, because a narcissist just seems to be able to go on with their life, live with their new supply, act like nothing happened, like they didn’t do you wrong, and the most angering part? They smear your good name. But in the long run? Integrity always wins. So, keep fighting the good fight and give yourself the same grace you gave that raggedy ass ex you use to be with.
YOU GOT THIS!
Weav Told Me LLC.
Friday October 19th, 2023